Monday, August 28, 2017

sometimes i just want to say eff parenting...

So you're fine all day and all evening. Then, conveniently, something happens to be wrong with your wrist when I ask you to fold your laundry, but your wrist was perfectly fine all day, and all evening.. so, guess what? I'm not going to effing believe that something is wrong with your wrist! All of a sudden it hurts and is in too much pain ONLY when you suddenly are tasked with laundry? Give me a break kiddo. Seriously. I'm smarter than that. And if by some chance, it is hurting, if I've had a look at it and it's not bleeding or broken, I don't really give a flick. Learn to deal with minor aches and pains. Something randomly (truthfully) hurts on my body every, single, damned day and I still have to do everything. Everything. Every. Thing. Around. Here. Doesn't matter if my finger has felt like it's fractured for a bloody month. Doesn't matter if my wrist is on fire from pulling weeds for 2.5 hours in the yard (without your help). Nope. Nobody around here cares. And if I tell you "not one more word" and you STILL keep on going on about your sudden wrist pain while looking at your pile of clothes to fold, I'll tell you what.. I might just have to walk out of the room so I don't snap. It's called a mom time out. If I need to take a mom time out, let me go and take it. It's in your best interest. But if what you do is get red-faced-vibrating-deepbreathing-fisted angry and give me the look of death, I will win that shit. And then if you retaliate by saying you just want to go live with your dad, because you can't take a little bit of discipline for looking like you were going to knock me out, I will sit your ass down and tell you that I have sacrificed my whole life and put MY own goals and wishes all on HOLD so that I could dedicate my life to raising you in a place where you can see your dad all the damned time, and I can't see my boyfriend ever. So don't go there with me. Learn this. Kids today have no respect. Where did I go wrong?

Angry mom
>:O(




Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Meditate on this...

I'm reading this book that talks about how powerful the subconscious mind is. It basically says that the subconscious will respond to and carry through with anything you tell it, repeatedly and with faith. If you have negative thoughts all the time, the sub will begin to take that for reality and make it so. On the other hand, if you believe in its power and start meditating on positive things, guess what happens? You got it.. good stuff happens. It's written that meditating to ask your sub of healing things can also be granted.

So my current mantra is: "I wholeheartedly believe in my subconscious mind's ability to use it's healing light and energy to cure my hemmorhoids for life."

I wish I were joking. This is the phrase I repeat to myself 50 times a day. Wish me friggen luck, cuz I'm pretty much fed up with the goings-on down backside.

I shall heal myself.

Next, I plan to start believing I am rich and thin. Just kidding. That would be shallow. I'll word it better than that. ;oP

Jules :Obelieveinthesub)

Sunday, August 20, 2017

If only I'd known...

Here's my advice.
If someone would have told me this, if doctors would mention it to people suffering as I have done, it would have saved me developing a chronic condition that then needed surgery.

Eat pitted dates daily.
I didn't say prunes. I said dates.
Eat between 1 - 4 daily depending on how many you need.

What condition does this treat? Chronic constipation. Or just regular constipation.

Forget about drugs, just eat pitted dates every day. Eat them at night, you will have a nice satisfying emptying poo in the morning. Yes, I did just refer to pooping as satisfying. You read correctly.

Nope... I don't want to hear your arguments. Just do it.

Also, beer. Prunes and a beer. You can do that too (but beer in moderation).

Jules :O)
P.S. I'm not a doctor. I'm just saying.

Friday, August 18, 2017

sometimes my thoughts aren't pure, and it's so funny.

Blogging.

It's the last uncensored space that I can be free to be myself in.
Actually, it was also the first.
I've been gone a while, but maybe this is where I need to start coming again.

I often have all sorts of thoughts that I have to keep inside my brain, because they probably would be considered in that "too much information" category, or even distasteful. But really... I still want to say them and when I can't, I feel like I have to keep myself all bottled up inside.

I wish I could be a bit more free than society allows for. I used to be, when I was in my 20's. It's like, nonsense is expected of that age group, but once you either 1) have kids or 2) hit the age of 30, it's time to grow up, act more mature.. forget that you still like to be free and have fun, laugh. Forget all sense of immaturity, don't think funny thoughts anymore. Grow up.

I wish growing up meant that you could still just say what you wanted without having to endure people judging or shunning you.

Aren't the thoughts that you had in your 20's still funny in your 40's? Yes, yes they often are.

When Thor and I get together we often laugh like we would have in our 20's. I love that. I don't have to censor myself around him. He never tells me "That's TMI, Jules...". We talk, and laugh, and make fun of things on tv or in life that we probly shouldn't admit to, but we do it because it's a relief to be able to have that sort of release from all of the censorship. Well, I don't know if he feels the same way, but that's partly why I do it and love it.

I should just start blabbing stuff out wherever I go and not care. Afterall, aren't the 40's supposed to be about knowing who you are and being comfortable enough to be yourself?

Today, my mom's friend had a dog hair on her shin which looked like it was growing there, and cracked a joke: "I promise I shaved!" So I said "Are you sure that didn't migrate down from the upper nether regions?" It was a long black hair. Everyone laughed as she turned a little flushed then actually checked up her own shorts to make sure there were no pubes falling down. Good times.

I'm going to strive for more times like that.

Julie :Oshhhh!

Milestones are awesome

YAY!! YES!
Congratulate me, I've finally reached a milestone!

My son is now finally old and independent enough that if I want to drink a beer in my bath, and follow that luxury alone time up with locking my bedroom door and getting out my vibe while he is downstairs unknowingly watching YouTube, I can do it!

I didn't say I just did that... I said that he's old enough for me to do that if I wanted to now.

By the way, if I were to do that, it would be with some wine.

Jules ;OyessssP


Monday, April 24, 2017

Just take deep breaths...

I'm fed up.

This is the place I can come to vent, so I'm going to do so.

1) I'm getting less and less support from my autistic foster guy's real family and I'm worried about my his mental health because of their lack of involvement in his life. Seriously. I don't know how to explain to him that they just aren't interested in seeing him. As a result, I get to deal with the increases in behaviors, and my likelihood of burning out increases.

2) I'm sick and tired of hearing about every little insignificant scratch, spot, pimple, bruise, bump, plugged nose, etc. that my son goes through on what is almost an hourly basis. Headache, sore toe, sore finger, stomach ache, toothache.... He seems to have every pain under the sun, but only as an excuse not to do the things I want him to do. Today it was because he didn't want to wake up for school, and then again because he didn't want to practice his flute. Save it for when something's actually wrong, please. Otherwise, I'm going to become desensitized to your ailments and I will think you're crying wolf when something's really wrong. The kicker is that I look at each and every complaint but find nothing to be concerned about so I tell him it's fine, and then all I get is a "You don't care about me, you never sympathize with me" response. There's no way to win this.

3) Dealing with parenting as a single parent when I'm not actually single just sucks. Maybe it wouldn't be any easier if Thor was living here, but somehow having that extra adult in the room to give me that look that says "Don't worry Sweetie, you're not actually going to go insane here..." would sure help me deal with stuff.

4) My new neighbors are renters, again.. and they have now somehow squeezed an SUV, a large truck, a small semi/trailer unit, and a large white school bus in their back yard. Plus, they have another work van parked out front. There are 2 people living next door. They have completely wrecked their back yard. Maybe I shouldn't care, but I have to look at it out my living room view constantly. I suppose that IS better than the drug dealer that was there previously.

5) My ex got laid off and now it's affecting everything. I have this nagging feeling that he is going to try and get out of his weekends with our son, and skip out on child support. For a decade, everything's been just fine, mostly. Now I feel a major change coming on, and it's not going to benefit my son or I. Also, I'm trying to plan the one week off that I get in the summer, and it's nearly impossible because a) refer back to #1, and b) my ex can't guarantee the date this year that he always takes my son. So everything's all up in the air. The thing is, with my work, if I don't plan this far in advance, I will not get any time off at all.

I know I should focus on good things. What's good... my health's mostly ok. That's good I guess. I still have a job, several, in fact. My fidgi spinz are popular. My boyfriend loves me. My son can be sweet when he wants to. My autistic foster guy will give me a hug if I ask him for one. I have all of my basic needs met. I shouldn't be complaining. The best thing right now is that it's almost time to get these guys into bed. That's a score one for me.

There.

Maybe that will make me feel better.

Jules :OImGonaBlow(


Monday, March 20, 2017

Expectations and wishes, they don't mesh.

I've been having to independently run my household and all things in it for most of my son's life, so for 9 years. I don't mean that I've been single (Thor's been my loving LDR partner for over 6 years), just running the house alone. I'm seen as the "solid" one, the one to provide guidance to others, the one to take all the messes and make sense of them, the one to always be there to listen and not judge. So when you're in that situation, with it comes the expectation that you are reliable, responsible, serious, and operate tirelessly. You are expected to handle everything and everyone flawlessly. You aren't allowed to take breaks, you just have to deal. House, car, work, cook, maintain everything... you have to take care of it all, or you fail. It's like daily training to become the ultimate independent woman. I almost put that in caps and quotations marks, but it would have glorified it, as if it was some title to strive for. I'm a person who believes in equality of the sexes, so while I'm somewhat proud of the status I've achieved, I would give anything to have help here to help soak up half the battle. I feel like I can never ever ever let my guard down.

But, I actually have this fun, silly and even spicy side to me that I really wish I could just let out, believe it or not. I can't though, because then I'd be viewed as irresponsible or immature, and people would start to find flaw in how I run my life and my household.  I wish I could routinely let myself be goofy. I wish I could just let go and not give a flip how people reacted. I used to be able to do that... but if I think back to when I last really let my silly behaviors come out, well... I was probably 31, so quite a while ago. Maybe it was parenthood that finally converted me to "the safe side"... no, I think it was becoming single after parenthood, combined with the fact that I was told I'd have to go it on my own. There was never an option for failure for me.

So while it's all me, just me, me me me here making everything and everyone operate smoothly, I guess I'll carry on suppressing that fun side of me, and just keep dreaming about it when I sleep. That's where it's safe to let go, in my dreams.

Jules :O/



Sunday, March 19, 2017

Cyclic Reality

Two weeks or more of nipple sensitivity to the point that it feels like the streams of water from the shower are literally slicing through them like a hot knife through butter.

Two weeks of bloating which seems to gain momentum the closer you get to the miraculous event.

Breasts that are so sore that even receiving a hug makes you want to punch the person in the face.

1 to 3 new pimples per day half way through and for the week leading up, diminishing whatever self esteem you might have left after the extreme bloating.

An increasing sense that everyone around you is either seriously stupid or out to trigger you on a constant basis.

The desire to eat everything in your pantry.

The need to sleep all hours of the day and night.

THIS is what it feels like to be a woman who is of menstruation age. And I'm NOT kidding. I'm not even exaggerating here. And you reach the point of literally BEGGING the Universe to give you your period so that the symptoms can subside. A trade off of the messy shedding of the uterus, so that you don't have to suffer with all that other shiz anymore... just so you can hang onto the one shred of dignity and sanity you have left.

And we're supposed to feel *blessed* for this cycle as it allows us the ability to make children. I mean, I'm all for reproduction, but you know... ok, let's do the math. If the average girl starts her cycle at 13 years of age, and she gets a period every single month of her life until she's roughly 50 years old... That's 37 years x 12 periods a year = 444 periods. FOUR HUNDRED AND FORTY FOUR PERIODS! If the point of the period is for reproduction, then all I have to say is WHAT THE EFF! NO person on the planet is going to have 444 kids. NO girl the age of 13 is going to have or be allowed to have kids.

So I just feel the need to ask: WHY were we created to endure such an abundance of pain and utterly undeniably life affecting processes for 37 - 40 years of life when the average woman only has between 1 - 3 children?? There were some serious math miscalculations that went on when the human body was created.

And men... men never have to deal with this. Maybe instead of reaching orgasm each time they ejaculate, it should be like an unknown as to whether they will orgasm or have extreme pain.. like the Russian Roulette of ejaculation.. just so that some of the time they can also experience reproductive discomfort for no reason at all. I'm all for equality.

Period Prayer: Lord help me make it through the next few days, help me to keep my sanity and not crawl under a rock and hide from humanity because they are all making me insane. Please help me to keep my temper and not yell at the next person who says something stupid, which is nearly everyone. Please give me tolerance and perseverance to survive yet another damned period, for no reason because I'm not interested in having any more children. Lord give me the strength to survive the assaults from my bras, shower streams, and huggy people. Reinforce the knowledge that this too shall pass, but only for 1 week before it all starts again.

Jules :Owtf/

Saturday, March 18, 2017

the downfalls of social media

Social media has poisoned my desire to blog. Well, my desire to even go online anymore unless it's to watch mindless videos of people's pets doing silly things. I have to attend to my own social media, my son's school accounts for google classroom-email-google, the website-blog-FB-TW accounts for theismproject.org, the FB-TW-G+ and Email accounts for Kids In Harmony Store, the FB-TW-INSTA-YouTube-PIN-Etsy-Email accounts for Fidgi Spinz. 

Basically, I've become a social media manager for a plethora of people, plus myself. It's not that I get paid a social media manager salary, either. It's just become part of daily life and an expectation of my work. I should look up social media manager and see what they get paid. Or maybe not, it would probly upset me. The crap thing is that all of my experience managing all of this schizz means nothing if I wanted to go be a *professional* at it, because I don't have a degree in social media management. LMFAO. What the eff even is that. Do you REALLY need a diploma or degree to manage social media. *laughable* But in today's society, if you're not all about social media for marketing, you have nothing.. you are nobody. You can't expect to achieve in business if you don't have a strong online presence. 

So blogging has really taken a back seat, but I do think about it and I do miss it. It's just that HAVING to be on the computer all of the time for all of those other things has really left a bad taste in my mouth for spending my *spare* time online as well. It used to be such a pleasure to be in here, back in the day when blogging was the first form of social media. The pre-facebook world was better, in my opinion. It was more personalized and authentic when it was all blogging. Now, social media seems more like a place to put up a front, set forward a false image of this ideal world that doesn't depict the whole picture. And sometimes you learn stuff about your so called "friends" who are no more than acquaintances from the past, that you'd rather not have known. 

Well, I'll try and be more present in here. My little blog, where I can still say whatever the heck I want, use whatever language appeals to me at the time, where I don't need to censor myself and no topic is off limits. I'm not resolving to be in here more, I'll just try. I'll try to revive the passion I had for it once, because it used to be a highly important part of who I was. 

Jules :Osocialmediablues/

Saturday, October 08, 2016

The crazy purse lady...

A woman's purse is important. My purse is highly organized. I can stick my hand into that thing without even looking and find exactly what I'm going for within 10 seconds. No giant hole where everything's just floating around, bumping into each other, getting wrecked, crumpled, and beaten up. Nope! Not in my purse!

So, when my purse breaks down and I need a new one, it is a significant event which requires time, patience, and a LOT of looking for a suitable replacement. My current purse is a "derek alexander" and I remembered getting it at The Bay. So naturally, I didn't go there first. Instead, I bought one from Bentley and it failed miserably in fitting everything in  and I had to take it back. The next day, I had time to myself so I decided to get serious. I went to The Bay with full knowledge that I was about to make a bit of a spectacle out of myself (though I'd hoped I'd just blend into the surroundings).

Here's how it went:
I got to the store, went to the purse section, picked out 5 seemingly appropriate purses from the derek alexander collection, pulled up a nice big empty spot on the floor, and spread out as if I owned that piece of real estate. With the 5 purses in front of me, I sat there cross legged, attempting to decipher which would be the best one for the job. Insanely, I had an exact duplicate of my existing purse, but in 2 different colors, as well as a few other models. I say "insanely" because I could have just immediately purchased one of those, knowing everything was perfectly adapted to my needs, but NO. I got it in my head that I should get something "different" this time. I sat there for about 20 minutes, maybe 30.. or 45... I can't recall, and then a lady came over to me and said this: "Hi there... so the security guys said that it looked like there was a lady in the purse section who looked like she may need my help..."

I looked up at her, looked beyond her to the ceiling, noticed the giant security camera thing, then back at her and said, as I pointed up to the cameras: "OHHH! Yes, I imagine that I must be looking like some sort of crazy person sitting here trying out all these purses, but I can assure you that I'm narrowing down the selection and I'm down to making a decision between these two models." I explained to her that it's a huge decision for me and that I have to make sure that I have enough compartments, and that I was literally putting my stuff in the purses to make sure things fit and then taking them back out. THANKFULLY, she just laughed (and actually said it was a brilliant idea) and didn't have me arrested for attempted shoplifting! I could see how that all might have looked really bad to the security guys! So I told her that I was moments away from making my decision and that I'd see her at the checkout station shortly. Another 10 minutes passed, and several texts with Thor to help me make my decision and I went against his advice.

Flustered, embarrassed and a little bit stubborn (afterall, a purse is a highly personal woman's job to pick out.. right?), I picked the purse that was not like the one I already own, thinking that it would be nice to have a slight change, and besides, I was pretty sure everything would fit.

Sadly, the next day, I found myself back in the store, exchanging it for the one identical to mine in style. I got the different one home and it just didn't hold everything in the spots I needed it to... but at least I changed it up by getting a different color (i'm such a wild child).  Next time, I'm just going to go straight for the model I already have. Why change a good thing? Can this really be a lesson learned?

So to recap, this week I was basically called dumb by a retired math teacher, and thought of as a crazy purse lady (and on the verge of being accused as a shoplifter) by the staff/security in a department store, despite my ever honest intentions.

I'm on a roll.

Jules :Othat'slife!

Thursday, October 06, 2016

The day of the insanely persistent math teacher...

Two days a week, I work in a teacher resource/educational toy store, just for fun. Educators of all kinds come in looking for advice on which resources would work best for their student's needs. I've never had an experience like this one, in the 3 years I've worked there.

A retired male educator (former grade 12 math and science teacher) comes in looking for grade 5 level math resource books for a tutoring gig that he's going to be doing. After a good 15 minutes of gathering up appropriate books for him, he starts flipping through. He gets to a page in one of the books which focuses on word problems. (SIDENOTE: I barely passed, but I did pass, Math 30 in high school and did well in math up until grade 10). The educator stops on a page and, while I'm still scouting the shelves for more resources, reads this out loud: "How many decades are there in 7 centuries?" The problem was, he didn't just read the word problem. He read it and then glared at me with expectant eyes... he actually required me to answer that on the spot at the snap of his fingers. The other problem was that I didn't realize I was going to have to do math, and under pressure, my mind went blank! All I could think was "OMG, he's testing me on a grade 5 question, but I'm so flustered that I can't even think of how many years are in a century!" but what I said was "Uhhhhmmmm... I didn't know I'd have to do math!" as my face turned all shades of red.

Then this conversation took place:
Teacher: Come on, you can do it. How many years are in one century?
Me: (Thinking, holy schizz, this guy's not gona let me off the hook). I blurt out:100!
Teacher: How many years are in a decade?
Me: 10! So there are 10 decades in a century! See, I can do math... *awkward laugh*
Teacher: No that's wrong because the question asked how many decades there were in SEVEN centuries...
Me: (Now turning shades of purple) SEVENTY! The answer's 70! I SWEAR I passed math!!
Teacher: Well, ok.. I'll believe you..... But I'm not so sure anyone else would.
Me: *gulp*
       *another awkward giggle*
       *panic sets in*
       *feeling really, really dumb*
       *deep shade of maroon*

Thank GOD I was able to then redirect him and start getting him to walk away from the resource books and onto a different topic (geology). He told me that I should have my son join some gold panning group, and he was quite pleasant about it. He left after having said that he needed to better assess his student before settling on a book to buy.

Up until now, I've totally held my own with every single educator that's come into the store. This guy... eeesh. This guy was something else. I truly hope never to have to assist him in finding resource materials ever again. He should at least have to phone in to say he's coming in before he gets there so I can brush up on my word problem skills.

Jules :Odumb/


Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Enlightenment... understanding the soul...

I've always classified myself as "spiritual but not overly religious." It's a saying that has nowadays become almost a cliche. I'm not trying to be identify as neither religious, nor Athiest.. just, spiritual. I've always believed that a soul occupies a body, then upon death leaves the body and when the time is right, the soul is reincarnated. I've believed that everything has a soul and has an energy, and yes... I do talk to my plants. I talk to animals, I even talk to storms and winds. I just think there's an energy in everything and that through everything we are connected. I guess that's why when I'm most upset, the best things for me to do are either work with my hands in dirt, or surround myself with earth and water elements. They recharge me.

A very good friend of mine told me that the next book I needed to read, back in April, was called "Journey of Souls" by Dr. Michael Newton, PhD. The timing could not have been more perfect, and I think that's why it was recommended to me when it was. See, it was about a month before my dad passed away, and I literally finished the book just 2 days before he passed. It took that long to read the book because it's THAT intense and it takes that much time to absorb what you are reading. When she told me about it, she said that I could feel one of two ways about it; I could think it's all hogwash, or I could be open and take it all in. Well, I definitely took it all in. It's about what happens to the soul after death, and the process in which it is incarnated in it's next life. It's done as an account of real case studies from this doctor's deep hyper-subconscious hypnotherapy sessions. It's absolutely fascinating. He also has a sequel to the book, with even more case studies, and more in depth accounts on certain topics, called "Destiny of Souls". Neither of these books either endorses nor denies religion, it's just an account of the soul, and that's partly what I love about it. It's not alienating in any way, not down on people's religious beliefs.

I'm doing the same thing my friend did. If you don't read another book this year, make the book you read the first one. Go ahead, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain in knowledge and understanding. I'm going to tell you, if you are grieving the loss of anyone, or even a pet that meant the world to you, these books will help you. A relative was stuck in her grieving process after the loss of her spouse for 11 years, and it was just after she read this book that she was able to finally understand what the soul connection is enough to let go. Now she has finally found someone else that she connects with and couldn't be happier. I'm not saying this book is magic, but it DOES help the loss process, because it helps to see things in a different way. Do you still miss those who are gone? Yes. Nothing takes that away. But if you apply the things you've learned, it can quickly take you from despair to being ok again.

And even if you haven't lost anyone close to you... just read the book. Because you might want to know the journey ahead for your own soul.

Jules :Olight)

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Being 40 is something... that's for sure...

Ok, so I've been away from Blogger for a while. It's been hard to come here, for some reason. But here's something worth writing about. Turning 40 is something else, man. Things happen to you, as a woman turning 40, that just make you wonder if there's some sort of magic turning point. Wait.. is "magic" the right word? No, I doubt it. It's more like... what's the word for: when-everything-on-your-body-and-in-your-mind-begins-to-change-all-at-once-so-that-you-don't-even-recognize-your-own-composition-anymore?  That's what it's like for a woman to turn 40. And no.. don't go getting all concerned.. I don't have early onset Alzheimer's. It's not that kind of mental change. It's almost evolutionary, in a way. But the body stuff.. so far I haven't found any positive things there.

But parts of this year have been great so far too. For example, I've learned that I'm not too shabby of a graphic design illustrator. I've been doing artwork in my graphics illustration program and I'm sort of blowing myself away. I consistently thing i'm in over my head when I begin one, then I end up finishing with something that is really very close to the original. Here are some thumbnails of the work I've been doing. So, these are 100% my illustrations, 100% copyright to me because I have produced them. Nobody has permission to save or replicate them in any way, shape or form (sorry, I have to get that out of the way). I have drawn them painstakingly in my illustration program. It's ok if you want to tell me what you think.


These were all done from looking at photographs, but I'm attempting a composition that's just from my brain... not sure if it's going to work out of if I'll just chalk it up to practice. But if it works out and looks ok, I'll post it. It'll be a while. Takes a long time to illustrate like this. My portraits took approx 15 hours, the owl took the longest at approx 30 hours of work time. It's a great outlet, a way to focus your mind and give a sense of achievement. I encourage anyone out there to explore something new... especially if you've just turned 40, because somehow being 40 means you are now brave enough to try new things.

Jules :Oartsy)

Thursday, July 14, 2016

signs from the soul...

I was denied, by my stepmom and stepbrother, the ability to get my father's fingerprint made into a pendant when we went to the funeral home to pick out his casket and do paperwork. It devastated me and I'm having a very hard time letting go of the negative emotions I feel now because of that. I guess my dad didn't see the value in me doing that, but I sure did. Instead, I went out and got a pendant made with his initials on the front and his dates of birth and death on the back and I wear it every day with the heart pendant Thor gave me. Both of the important men in my life next to my heart every day. That's what I wanted and I suppose that's what I got, just not exactly as I needed it to be. 
I was just in Montana for a week, and Thor and I were creating an outdoor rock patio, working hard. We were just talking and Thor said to me, "My dad's middle name was Power..." and it hit me. Our dad's had exactly the same initials. 

You know, there are signs that we're supposed to recognize in this life that are ingrained into our souls before we are reincarnated, signs that you are with your soulmate. That is one of the signs, I just knew it instantly. So maybe at the end of it all, I was supposed to go out and get my own pendant made, so I'd have the opportunity to recognize that sign. 

Looking at it that way, the act of denial at the beginning isn't such a hard pill to swallow.

Jules :Oj

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

shizz.

It's been a very difficult day... and night.

an incident with my work.
a son inquiring about living with father instead of me.
dead end thoughts about my future.

I realize I chose this path. I wanted to be a single parent because I thought it was better than being stuck in a non-loving marriage. I thought I was capable of raising a child and keeping him well rounded and happy. I fell with open arms and an open heart in love with Thor, who lives so far away. I picked my occupation because it would support my family. Everything I do in life seems to be reasonable and sensible, well thought out.

But I can dream, can't I? Can't I dream about a life where Thor, Thanan and I get to be happily living together someplace where Thor would still have accessibility to the things he loves, and that we can love together as a family? In some dreamland where we get to continue on the tradition of keeping on going to Flathead Lake on the weekends like he has his whole life? Where he can still be within distance of some ski hills he knows and loves? Can't I dream about a blended lifestyle where we are all happy? Can't I dream about it all without feeling like shizz?

The problem is... dreams aren't reality, are they? Reality is harsh and largely unrewarding. I don't know the answers. I'm just doing the best I can with all 3 of the men/boys in my life, trying to make them all happy and claim some sort of happiness for myself in the process too.

I wish things weren't so hard. I'm so damned tired of waiting for happiness to begin.  Things aren't how I'd hoped they'd be when I set down this fork of independence in the road.

But I know... I know I chose this all.... so now I just have to deal with it and there's no room for selfish dreams.

Jules :'O(