Friday, November 18, 2011

Meh.

Genuine excitement.

It sort of eludes me.

I smile and laugh quite a bit in my life. I get very happy when I see someone I haven't seen in a while who warms my heart. I am enthusiastic enough when I need to be about something.

But genuine excitement... for some reason that's a rarity for me.

My sis called me up the other night and was beside herself with enthusiasm and excitement (literally) because she found out the IIFA's will be in Vancouver in 2013 and she called to tell me my June 2013 is considered booked. Now considering the amount of fun I had at the IIFA's in Toronto this year, you would think I'd also be massively stoked about this news. But I was moderately happy about it instead.

My son is doing sooo well in school this year. He's gotten 100% on 3 of his tests so far and one 90%. This surely would be something you'd think I'd be overly enthusiastic and completely beaming with pride about. While I am really pleased with him, and obviously very proud, I am not all like wanting to shout it from the rooftops or anything. I didn't even call the "grand 'rents" to tell them. Hell, I didn't even call his dad to let him know. I do make a huge deal of it to him, and I sound excited and impressed when I do it so he feels great about his accomplishments, but inside I'm not as emotive as I express on the outside.

I guess I was thrilled with seeing Ra.One. But was I genuinely thrilled? Or was I just playing the part that was expected of me? How does one decipher the code?

Let's see.
  • Having an easy bowel movement makes me happy, but doesn't excite me.
  • Losing a pound makes me feel justified in all my hard work, but doesn't create an abundance of enthusiasm.
  • Helping someone makes me feel quite good inside, but I'm not bouncing out the door with joy once we've parted ways.
  • Seeing my boyf makes my heart skip and my stomach flitter, and maybe that's about as close to genuine excitement as I get.
What am I missing in my life? Why am I not excited about it? Happy moments are good. Fun times make life go by faster. Exploring new things and new places makes life interesting. There are rewards to learning things, making new discoveries and accomplishments. But essentially, I don't feel like there's anything to be all that excited about.

Maybe I was born without an "excited" button.

I'd love to have something in my life to be 100% completely overjoyed about again. It's been too long since I've felt that way.

Jules :O(

2 comments:

SIMON said...

I don't think it eludes you at all!! I think, for what it's worth, that excitement is an outward sign for others to see of an inner feeling which is way more under control.
I have seen you beyond excited, genuinely. You are extremely excitable and have never failed to show it. I know you feel as excited as you show you are and it's one of your best attributes.
Happiness of course is a different thing and displayed differently but happiness is never far away from genuine excitement though!!
Don't go looking for fixes - trust me it's not broken!! Really!!

Jules said...

Maybe I just have to look up the definition of excitement....

Maybe I've been having it all along then... :)