Tuesday, November 29, 2011

realizations... the deep side of Jules.. a rarity

What better way to spend a weekend than wrapped in love?

I got sick on Saturday though. Thor and I were walking through Walmart looking for gifts and all of a sudden I fell ill. I got flushed from head to toe, instantly nauseous, dizzy and almost blacked out. Suddenly I stopped and grabbed a hold of him and said "I'm not... feeling well" as I choked back the urge to heave and took a deep breath in hopes I wouldn't faint.

My dad, as wise as he is, told me once "It isn't love until you've both seen each other sick as dogs and you still want to be around them." It went something like that anyway.

Thor was totally doting and concerned and literally didn't take his eyes off me for the rest of the day and night. Tending to me like I was the only thing that mattered on earth. "I'm not leaving tomorrow if you're still sick... I just am NOT leaving you like this." He cooked for me, catered to me, wrapped me up in a blanket and rubbed my feet.. all the while watching me to make sure I wasn't getting worse. He never left my side. I'll never forget him sitting on the floor at the side of the couch just to be nearer to me and catch me if I should fall, his stunning eyes looking up at me with deep concern.

.... Even when I had become near to death with my bleeding lung issues, back in the day of the ex, I was not doted on. I was not made to feel like I was the most important thing on the planet once I was home and recuperating. I had nearly died.. no exaggeration.. twice. And I wasn't given this kind of attention once I was home. Maybe the ex didn't know how to express it, or maybe he just didn't want to.

I really can't get over the wonderfulness that is Thor.

He must really love me.

It's difficult for me to accept that I am THAT important to a person. My whole married life I spent begging for attention, married but alone, always in competition with "the games". Asking for a companion that just didn't see me.. who pushed me away and created a distance between us that would span the earth 4 times over. It conditioned me to the idea that men don't value women and that they don't think they are important enough to spend time with, have fun with, adore... They are just people who cook and clean, give a blow job every now and then, and provide men with babies. This is how I felt about my marriage, despite how many times I'd try and pull his attention away from gaming and back into the real world. I had been conditioned like this for all of my married years. I didn't feel important in that relationship. But I was a kid when it all started, really. What did I know.

So on the weekends that I spend with Thor, where I catch him looking at me in adoration, where I hear his love when he speaks to me, where he wants to get out and do things with me and my family, where it's evident that he longs for me and lusts after me, where he expresses how lucky he is that I'm in his life... it really takes me aback. But in the best way possible.

I'm in training. Although I think we all are always in "relationship training". Training to know how a real healthy relationship works and what it looks and feels like. I think I do a good job of offering love and respect, and I'm starting to understand what it's like to receive it as well. It's different. But the more I feel it and experience it, the more I want of it.

I'm starting to be uncomfortable now with that "distance" my ex taught me was the reality. I'm really starting to crave togetherness. More and more of my time is spent fantasizing about being together than accepting that we have to be apart. It feels a little bit scary sometimes, devoting myself to another man... one who treats me just right... thinking long term commitment and wondering if it will all be a better life.

But with Thor, I know .. I KNOW that it would be a wonderful life. Not just a better one, but a really superb one.

My dreams have been telling me to trust in relationships again, to accept the love and live for that and I'm ready now.

So what's next?

Jules :Oj


SIMON said...

A very deep and frank post Jules.

The Grunt said...

So, when do you turn him into a Canadian?

BTW, women are also good at other things, like sewing;)

Jules said...

Si - well, I've been doing some self realizations lately...

Grunty - LOL.. I don't think that part is up to me.

I'm not really good at sewing. I barely passed that part of Home Economics in high school.

Tys on Ice said...

next? u just accept it and live with it...

u nearly died twice?

damn, most people cant even manage one..

Jules said...

I don't know what's next Tys... :(

Yes. I have an arteriovenous malformation in my right lung and it burst twice drowning me in my own blood. I was in ICU for almost a week both times. You can read about it here, except mine's a bronchial one, not a brain one.


This led to me having to have a c-section birth, my tubes tied, and more subsequent other surgeries and procedures.