Wednesday, July 04, 2012

those moments

You know, life continues to throw those moments that make a person speechless at me. Thor was up here for Canada Day weekend and it was marvelous. Of course, I always treasure the moments he and I get to spend together, but lately I've been really desiring more of a whole family connection. So when he was here and he went walking with Thanan and I found them together examining things that live in the pond, it was one of those moments that I've come to live for. 

Having a really positive, father figure for Thanan here makes a huge difference in life for us. Things seem smoother, more enjoyable, more satisfying... more connected and complete. I value these moments immensely. Watching Thor step in and care for Thanan as if he was his own, with true deep emotional regard, brings me near to tears in the best possible way. I love him even more when I see the interactions they have together or when I recognize the genuine concern he expresses for Thanan.

There is a downside. Eventually Thor has to go home and it's not just me who is sad that he's gone. More often than not it's just me feeling sorry for myself that I have to be without him and I can deal with that after a few hours. I've come to realize that as much as I love and cherish the family times, it makes it even more difficult to part ways and return to normal life. This past time was terribly hard to let him go, but I always put on a brave face. Or at least I try. He left Tuesday morning, it's currently Wednesday night and I still want to cry. It could be because with Thanan having taken part in the family time, I am set back in recovering every time he naively mentions Thor. Today it was "You know mom.. I think Thor would make a good step-dad. Are you going to get married?" Another moment where words wouldn't come out and tears wanted to surface. All I could muster up in a response was a squeaky "I hope so, someday..." followed by an immediate subject change so that I wouldn't burst into tears in the mall.

It's no secret that I pray that some day we'll get to be together on a full time permanent basis. I try really hard not to be selfish and not to want more before the time is right. It's hard though.

Well anyway, it was a fantastic weekend. Happy Belated Canada Day and Happy Independence Day.

Jules :O<


SIMON said...

Glad you had a Happy Canada Day.
Oh, life can be tough hey?
I'm sure it will turn out right for you in the end, just hang on in there!

Jules said...