Had to phone and book a hotel room for the night before my very first appointment at the Cross Cancer Institute tonight. It was getting to be close, and I had been putting it off.
I don't know... I guess I just thought if I didn't acknowledge actually going there, it wouldn't all be real.
It hit me hard when the voice on the other end of the line said this: "Ok Ma'am, it will be $149, but I will give you medical status, so it will only be $99."
My stomach twisted into knots and I completely just felt sick. It was like being a cancer patient made me stand out with this sort of stigma, and booking the room meant that another dose of reality was hovering around me. This was about 3 hours ago and I still feel a little bit nauseous from it.
This is all unwarranted, I'm sure. They took my cancer out. I am quite certain I'm fine now....
But the thought that is scary as hell is... what IF I'm not? I don't know any greater fear than being told you have cancer.... except for maybe being told it has spread. Or maybe being told your partner has it.
They'll be doing an in depth consultation in which I'm sure I'll be xray'd, poked, prodded, scanned and all those things. I am going to ask to have the radioactive idodine ablation regardless of what they find, because I've already been misdiagnosed and told my nodules were benign when I still had my thyroid, and that was obviously a farse.
All of this seems stressful right now. Sometimes I manage not to think about it at all and those days are fine. Other times, it weighs me down heavily like an elephant is sitting on my neck and shoulders and no matter what I do, I can't shake it off. I just want to be told "you're cured, go live your life." I hope they tell me that soon. I will trust it coming from the CCI.
That's all for tonight. That's where I'm at. I guess I should drink some juice or something.