Sunday, December 02, 2012

down.

Had to phone and book a hotel room for the night before my very first appointment at the Cross Cancer Institute tonight. It was getting to be close, and I had been putting it off.

I don't know... I guess I just thought if I didn't acknowledge actually going there, it wouldn't all be real.

It hit me hard when the voice on the other end of the line said this: "Ok Ma'am, it will be $149, but I will give you medical status, so it will only be $99."

My stomach twisted into knots and I completely just felt sick. It was like being a cancer patient made me stand out with this sort of stigma, and booking the room meant that another dose of reality was hovering around me. This was about 3 hours ago and I still feel a little bit nauseous from it.

This is all unwarranted, I'm sure. They took my cancer out. I am quite certain I'm fine now....

But the thought that is scary as hell is... what IF I'm not? I don't know any greater fear than being told you have cancer.... except for maybe being told it has spread. Or maybe being told your partner has it.

They'll be doing an in depth consultation in which I'm sure I'll be xray'd, poked, prodded, scanned and all those things. I am going to ask to have the radioactive idodine ablation regardless of what they find, because I've already been misdiagnosed and told my nodules were benign when I still had my thyroid, and that was obviously a farse.

All of this seems stressful right now. Sometimes I manage not to think about it at all and those days are fine. Other times, it weighs me down heavily like an elephant is sitting on my neck and shoulders and no matter what I do, I can't shake it off. I just want to be told "you're cured, go live your life." I hope they tell me that soon. I will trust it coming from the CCI.

That's all for tonight. That's where I'm at. I guess I should drink some juice or something.

Jules :'O(

7 comments:

The UnMighty said...

Hoping for the best. Good luck.

don said...

Cancer or not, we are all on borrowed time when it comes right down to it. Enjoy every moment. Sometimes that's easy to do and sometimes it isn't.

The Grunt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Grunt said...

You are experiencing the "Alien Inside" feeling that only comes from one having had cancer. It took me about two years to get it out of my head that "it" wasn't there anymore. The realization that my lymphoma was gone only came with time. It was then that I felt undergoing the horrid experience of chemotherapy and radiation was worth it. I feel for you. Keep your head in the game and don't get psyched out. You'll get through this!

SIMON said...

Try not to let it all stress you too much, difficult I know but it doesn't help or alter anything.

My thoughts are with you even though I'm sure everything will be as fine as you deserve it to be.

Jules said...

TUM - I like calling you that, Ben. Is that ok? Thanks for the encouragement. :)

Don- Of course you're right. I agree. I never stay down for too terribly long. I know the moments that are easiest to embrace... :*

Grunty - Luckily, I don't think chemo and radiation are in my future. But I totally get what you mean when you say the Alien Inside feeling. Hmmm. Ok. Yeah. Thank you for the empathy.. (hug)

Si - Thank you for your thoughtful words, as well.

Quiet Paths said...

Thinking of you and sending out a healing prayer just for you.