Sunday, March 09, 2014

Deflation... a very personal post..

Sometimes, like on more than one occasion this weekend, I just want to quit. I just want to quit being a parent to a child who is so frustrating, who doesn't ever think through the consequences of his actions, who seems incapable of making choices with any sort of sound judgement, who never seems to understand that what he does directly affects other people, regardless of how many lectures and examples are set forth, who doesn't seem to learn from either positive or negative reinforcement, who doesn't seem to have an internal registrar to direct his actions and who doesn't seem impacted by the impact he's having on others at all.

It might be small.. maybe he's just picking away at something or someone in a small way that doesn't seem to amount to much, but has potential to become a big deal. Or maybe it's a huge deal and it could cause someone extreme anxiety or unwanted stress. Or anywhere in between. He just doesn't think! And I feel like I'm just not getting through to him. He says "I get it!" but I fear that he just does not "get it" because a day later, or even hours later in some cases, he's back at it, making poor decisions that negatively affect everything.

Right now, I'm drained. I want to give up. I want to fix him. I want to get rid of his ADD and make him "normal".

But then if I sit and think about it, he can also be the opposite of all that. He can be the most adorable, loving, humorous, smart and endearing boy out there.. where he makes a positive impact and I've got parents saying what a dream he must be. Inside I laugh when they say that.. I think "if you only knew how difficult my life with my ADD son is...".

I wish he would understand that the loving nurturer who takes care of him, praises him, and adores him has a waaaay bigger impact that the one who needs to scold and discipline him. I wish he'd figure out that smiles and kisses, hugs and cuddles feel better than being grounded and writing lines, or having stuff taken away from him. Maybe he knows it, it's just the symptoms of his condition that keep him from acting properly. Blame the condition, not the person? I don't know.

I am stressed out... and I just keep thinking about how this can't be healthy for me, or my relationship with him. How do you find zen and be at peace when you've got this constant force of negativity to deal with.. 24/7. At least people who get stressed on the job can turn it off when they leave work. My stress never goes away.

How selfish of me, right? I'm not the only parent on the planet, and all people have stress caused by other people, children, co-workers, or siblings, friends or other family members.

So now I'm stressed AND feeling guilty for this post. Awesome. I should just suck it up like everyone else on the earth does. Just suck it up. Deal. There's nothing more to it.

I'm fragile, watch how you respond, please...

Jules :'O(


SIMON said...

I will just say that anyone who knows you and your son knows that you are a wonderful parent and he in turn a wonderful son!!
That is the bottom line!!

Jules said...

Thanks Si, the frustration subsided shortly after I vented. I wish parents of perfect children knew and appreciated how perfect they were. Thanan's not perfect, but I do love his quirks and his magnificent brain. :)