Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Always remembered...

Even when you know it's coming, it's never easy, losing someone. Tonight the world lost a really cool man. He passed away from complications of pneumonia. I've only known him for 4.5 years, but he definitely brought many smiles to my heart in that time. Every time I had the pleasure of spending time with him, he wore a giant smile, and laughed wholeheartedly. He couldn't hear a thing, depending on his lifetime love to translate for us all, but he loved to talk, and always asked about my life up in Canada. He was lively, even though he couldn't walk well any longer. He had a lot of life in his eyes still, they sparkled, even though his body was becoming uncooperative. I remember when I first met him, he walked down to the water's edge with me and we sat on the swinging bench in front of his cabin together and he talked about sailing. He loved to sail. I think it was one of his life's greatest joys. I was a stranger then, and he was warm to me anyway. He and his wife. Both of them, beautiful people.

I know I will remember Mr. C. fondly, and I know Thor will miss him tremendously. He leaves behind his children, grandchildren and his loving wife of forever. There will be an absence at the lake place now, for certain, but I know that his presence will always remain there in the memories and the stories we will continue to share.

Rest Peacefully.

Jules :OGodBless

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

My thoughts about love...

I think a few things.

I think that as long as the human race exists, we will seek out the perfect partner, because it is in our DNA to pair ourselves with a person who fully compliments who we are.

I think that in this day and age, with all the environmental influences and dietary issues and lifestyle choices of society, anything can happen at any age to anyone. I think there are no certainties about life expectancy or health. I'm proof of that.. how many health crisis have I had and I'm not even 40 yet. But I still keep ticking (God willing).

I think that love is kind spirited, welcoming, warm, and wise. Love is tender and strong, dependable and supportive. It is patient, communicative and understanding. Love puts you where you want to be, and keeps you where you need to be. It protects your well being, and gives you a sense of purpose and belonging.

I think that if you find love, it is rare. I'm not talking about lust or infatuation, anyone can have those fleeting feelings. I'm talking real, honest, lasting love; that soul mate connection.

I think that love can happen to people of any mature age and any background. Love isn't biased and doesn't live in the realm of "isms". Love only knows "connection".. the ability to deeply connect with another person.

I think that real love can be so beautiful that it can be overwhelming. It calls to attention every emotion and every feeling. It heightens everything. Some people are scared of love because it seems too good to be true. But it's not.... not if it's real love. Everyone deserves love. Love isn't something to neither take for granted nor to run away from.

I think that if you are lucky enough to find real love, you must embrace it and enjoy it, for as long as you can, because it will be the greatest thing you've ever been given the opportunity to partake in. You might be lucky enough to live a whole lifetime together, or you might only have 30 years, 15 years, 5 years... but the one thing I think is important is to embrace it fully while you have it.

I think that real love lasts a lifetime. It leaves an everlasting imprint that you forever hold in your heart, no matter what.

That's what I think. So if you're lucky enough to find real love, recognize that and cherish it, act on it, and live in it to its fullest extent.

Really live in it.

Jules :Olove)

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Promised...

Because a promise is more than just emptiness and uncertainty; it is meaningful, purposeful and with defined intent. Because a promise means something deep and upcoming, I am one very happy woman.

Jules :Oswoon)

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Ranting and roaring...

Why is it that on any given post, there could be upwards of 20 or more people reading it, but nobody ever comments on anything any more, except for 1 or 2 people who've been around since inception?

It's not that I don't appreciate their loyalty and comments. It just baffles me that so many people read this blog but no-one ever lets me know they're there.

I know I don't do it for attention. I just blog to get my thoughts out of my own head. But I'm still curious about that, regardless.

Say hi sometime. I rant and I roar, but I don't bite.

Jules :Oj

Monday, January 12, 2015

Feed me something good for once...

It seems like since September, life has been SOOO stressful.

My foster guy's meds stopped working for him resulting in much verbal abuse from him on a daily basis. We trialled a new med, but that made things worse, so we had to go back to the original med and increase it. It's levelled things out, but then his father passed away, and he's been a rollercoaster ever since. Losing someone impacts him more deeply than one would think it would, considering he's autistic and they aren't known for making strong bonds.

Then, just before Christmas a few things happened. Thor's Aunt passed away, throwing things in Montana in to a bit of a tailspin for Christmas time, definitely putting a downer on the season. Then my foster guy's evening Bridger quit with only 3 days notice, and she was also his weekend respite and she quit that as well with NO notice at all. She got a new job and said she couldn't fit respite in with her new hours. Actually, she could, she just used it as an excuse not to work with him anymore.

Suddenly, my ability to:
a) have time alone in my house with my son, and
b) get time away from this place and go see Thor,
became pretty much impossible. It had already been slightly affected when the foster guy's dad died, but now... now things are really eff'd up in my life.

So since the 3rd week of December, I've been desperately trying to find a respite family for 2 weekends per month. I had 4 people lined up to apply and go through the interview process. Once can't even apply until she returns from snowbirding in the States in April. One of them already changed her mind and opted out. One of them almost got fed up with the application process, but I convinced her to plough through it and she finally submitted hers. The 4th is waiting to hear if her boyf's past mistakes will get in the way of applying. My agency has literally no-one who will take my guy. Half of the names on the relief list didn't even bother to return my call and some refused based on the grounds that he needs personal care done. (Why did the agency approve staff who won't do personal care in this industry?!) The really crap thing is that they won't take him, but honestly, compared to just about anyone in service, my guy is quite a good client to deal with, aside from a few things, especially now that the verbal abuse has become more under control again. He's never physically aggressive, won't wreck your property, and most of the time he sleeps through the night. Those 3 things right there are better than a good portion of the population we deal with. And it seems like every time I turn around, the agency puts up another red tape to get stuck in or wall to climb over. UGH! Why is this so hard?!!?

I don't know. My point is life is stressful and I'm burning out, big time. Hopefully the grasp of depression won't just lasso me sometime in the future and drag me down in the dirt. But I wouldn't be surprised. I've just got to focus on the tiny positive things, and not dwell on negatives. Easier said than done though.  Universe... feed me something good for once, because the diet you've thrown my way lately won't suffice much longer.

Jules :Ofed up(

Friday, January 09, 2015

role reversal.. I can't wait...

Parenthood summed up:

Child: Why do you have to raise your voice?

Parent: Because you appear to be hard of hearing. You never listen to me the first time, second time or third time I ask you to do something, so I figure you can't hear my softer voice.

Child: Well when you get mad, it makes me want to do less.

Parent: Well, when you do less, it makes me mad. Do more and do it on time, and I'll never have to raise my voice again. Understand?

Child: Yes, okay.

The next day: Repeat.
The next day: Repeat.
The next day: Repeat.
 Neverending repeats.

That is parenthood.

I'm guessing that until you start to return to innocence around the age of 80 or so, this remains the cycle as a parent. Then the universe does a strange thing and starts to reverse the roles.

Jules :O!

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Irritated...

I dunno. *sigh*

It seems like I am more easily irritated the last little while, and by little while I mean maybe the past 3 or 4 years of my life. Maybe 6 or 7 years, hard to tell.

I used to have the patience of a saint. In fact, I'm pretty sure they were discussing whether to grant me sainthood or not way up in the Heavens. People looked up to me because of it. But lately, it seems like my fuse is shorter. People seem a little bit more insane than they used to (I was going to use the word "stupid" there but that might be a bit harsh). Children seem a little bit more ill mannered than they used to. I'm irritated at stupid things out of my control like the weather and the inability to stop time. I get irritated more easily when people who have jobs to do can't think for themselves at all and rely on me to direct their day. That would be fine if I was their superior, but I'm not. I find that waiting around for other people to get stuff done is making me a little bit insane myself. Can't they speed things up? People who don't know how to converse in a nice way irritate me. It bothers me that the Weather Network has a "flu report". All that's going to do is make everyone paranoid.

Really, there are too many irritants to name all of them.

I wonder what happened to my ability to just shrug it all off and pay no attention. Was it when I started to pay more attention to the world and its goings on that my irritation level started to rise? Probably. Because there are lots of things in the world that are dumb. And they are the same things that have always been dumb, all throughout history, just with a new age spin on them.

For 2015, I'm going to try and exercise more patience again. That's not a resolution, just an aim for self evolution or self revival.

I dunno. *sigh*

Jules >:O[