Sunday, April 05, 2015

The stronghold of fear...

This blog is my journal. It's my sounding board. People come and read it and some like it, some don't, I don't really care either way. I'm all over the map in here because it's about my own randomness, nobody else's. Today, I need to get this very private internalization out of my brain. So I'm blogging it. It usually makes me feel better to blurt things out in here.

Before I ever had cancer, my worst fear was getting cancer. Getting sick to the point where I couldn't have a life of love and abundance, where I couldn't raise my son and see him grow.

Since I've had cancer, my worst fear is getting cancer again. My brain changed when I got thyroid cancer, and even though mine wasn't the same depth of physical struggle that millions suffer with as they go through their treatments, my ordeal wasn't nothing, and it still totally changed me on a deep mental level. Yes, it changed me some ways for the better (I'm supposed to be healthier now, I'm more grateful for each day, I don't sweat the small stuff as much and for the most part I'm a happy, hardworking person), but it also has made me understand the concept of "fear" more.

My father's last remaining sister, my Aunt, just passed away yesterday. We stayed connected via facebook of all things, because she lived away from my city. She had a cancer in her reproductive organs, which they took out and she underwent chemo for. Over a year later she seemed healthy, she was to be cleared from the hospital and would just have to be monitored on an annual basis. Cleared means the Oncologists no longer see cancer inside your body. Yesterday, however, she died of cancer that got into her heart and made her heart stop. She was cleared, but she still had cancer inside of her, floating around waiting for a place to take hold of.

I was cleared. I have had so many scans, but can I trust them? Can I trust how they were interpreted?My worst fear is that I have more rogue cells floating around waiting to grab onto some vital organ and shut me down too.

Cancer didn't just pollute my body, it affected my mind too. Now, I'm probably more afraid than I ever was.

How do you overcome this fear once you've been the patient? Does it ever go away? I've been so sick over my lifetime, with many different things, and eventually I was able to forget about those very critical times so they didn't debilitate me mentally anymore. Maybe the same will happen here. Maybe I'll be able to forget my cancer as well. But something tells me that it's going to take an awfully long time, because it's so prevalent in the world today. It used to be one in 20 people got it, now it's one in three. I pray and am thankful that I was the person who got it and not my son or my Thor. It's hard to forget something when it's always all around you.

My 9 year old son tried to be of comfort to me after I told him of the sad family news. He put his hand lovingly on my arm and said "Mom, can I tell you something? The less you think about it, the less it will affect you."

If he only knew the depth of what he said. If he only knew that he was exactly right, and that is exactly what I need to do. Not to forget about all of my loved ones who have passed from cancer, but to think less about it in my own life. Think less and it will affect you less. Smart boy.

Jules :'O(