Thursday, July 14, 2016

signs from the soul...

I was denied, by my stepmom and stepbrother, the ability to get my father's fingerprint made into a pendant when we went to the funeral home to pick out his casket and do paperwork. It devastated me and I'm having a very hard time letting go of the negative emotions I feel now because of that. I guess my dad didn't see the value in me doing that, but I sure did. Instead, I went out and got a pendant made with his initials on the front and his dates of birth and death on the back and I wear it every day with the heart pendant Thor gave me. Both of the important men in my life next to my heart every day. That's what I wanted and I suppose that's what I got, just not exactly as I needed it to be. 
I was just in Montana for a week, and Thor and I were creating an outdoor rock patio, working hard. We were just talking and Thor said to me, "My dad's middle name was Power..." and it hit me. Our dad's had exactly the same initials. 

You know, there are signs that we're supposed to recognize in this life that are ingrained into our souls before we are reincarnated, signs that you are with your soulmate. That is one of the signs, I just knew it instantly. So maybe at the end of it all, I was supposed to go out and get my own pendant made, so I'd have the opportunity to recognize that sign. 

Looking at it that way, the act of denial at the beginning isn't such a hard pill to swallow.

Jules :Oj

Wednesday, July 13, 2016


It's been a very difficult day... and night.

an incident with my work.
a son inquiring about living with father instead of me.
dead end thoughts about my future.

I realize I chose this path. I wanted to be a single parent because I thought it was better than being stuck in a non-loving marriage. I thought I was capable of raising a child and keeping him well rounded and happy. I fell with open arms and an open heart in love with Thor, who lives so far away. I picked my occupation because it would support my family. Everything I do in life seems to be reasonable and sensible, well thought out.

But I can dream, can't I? Can't I dream about a life where Thor, Thanan and I get to be happily living together someplace where Thor would still have accessibility to the things he loves, and that we can love together as a family? In some dreamland where we get to continue on the tradition of keeping on going to Flathead Lake on the weekends like he has his whole life? Where he can still be within distance of some ski hills he knows and loves? Can't I dream about a blended lifestyle where we are all happy? Can't I dream about it all without feeling like shizz?

The problem is... dreams aren't reality, are they? Reality is harsh and largely unrewarding. I don't know the answers. I'm just doing the best I can with all 3 of the men/boys in my life, trying to make them all happy and claim some sort of happiness for myself in the process too.

I wish things weren't so hard. I'm so damned tired of waiting for happiness to begin.  Things aren't how I'd hoped they'd be when I set down this fork of independence in the road.

But I know... I know I chose this all.... so now I just have to deal with it and there's no room for selfish dreams.

Jules :'O(