Wednesday, July 13, 2016

shizz.

It's been a very difficult day... and night.

an incident with my work.
a son inquiring about living with father instead of me.
dead end thoughts about my future.

I realize I chose this path. I wanted to be a single parent because I thought it was better than being stuck in a non-loving marriage. I thought I was capable of raising a child and keeping him well rounded and happy. I fell with open arms and an open heart in love with Thor, who lives so far away. I picked my occupation because it would support my family. Everything I do in life seems to be reasonable and sensible, well thought out.

But I can dream, can't I? Can't I dream about a life where Thor, Thanan and I get to be happily living together someplace where Thor would still have accessibility to the things he loves, and that we can love together as a family? In some dreamland where we get to continue on the tradition of keeping on going to Flathead Lake on the weekends like he has his whole life? Where he can still be within distance of some ski hills he knows and loves? Can't I dream about a blended lifestyle where we are all happy? Can't I dream about it all without feeling like shizz?

The problem is... dreams aren't reality, are they? Reality is harsh and largely unrewarding. I don't know the answers. I'm just doing the best I can with all 3 of the men/boys in my life, trying to make them all happy and claim some sort of happiness for myself in the process too.

I wish things weren't so hard. I'm so damned tired of waiting for happiness to begin.  Things aren't how I'd hoped they'd be when I set down this fork of independence in the road.

But I know... I know I chose this all.... so now I just have to deal with it and there's no room for selfish dreams.

Jules :'O(

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