Monday, March 20, 2017

Expectations and wishes, they don't mesh.

I've been having to independently run my household and all things in it for most of my son's life, so for 9 years. I don't mean that I've been single (Thor's been my loving LDR partner for over 6 years), just running the house alone. I'm seen as the "solid" one, the one to provide guidance to others, the one to take all the messes and make sense of them, the one to always be there to listen and not judge. So when you're in that situation, with it comes the expectation that you are reliable, responsible, serious, and operate tirelessly. You are expected to handle everything and everyone flawlessly. You aren't allowed to take breaks, you just have to deal. House, car, work, cook, maintain everything... you have to take care of it all, or you fail. It's like daily training to become the ultimate independent woman. I almost put that in caps and quotations marks, but it would have glorified it, as if it was some title to strive for. I'm a person who believes in equality of the sexes, so while I'm somewhat proud of the status I've achieved, I would give anything to have help here to help soak up half the battle. I feel like I can never ever ever let my guard down.

But, I actually have this fun, silly and even spicy side to me that I really wish I could just let out, believe it or not. I can't though, because then I'd be viewed as irresponsible or immature, and people would start to find flaw in how I run my life and my household.  I wish I could routinely let myself be goofy. I wish I could just let go and not give a flip how people reacted. I used to be able to do that... but if I think back to when I last really let my silly behaviors come out, well... I was probably 31, so quite a while ago. Maybe it was parenthood that finally converted me to "the safe side"... no, I think it was becoming single after parenthood, combined with the fact that I was told I'd have to go it on my own. There was never an option for failure for me.

So while it's all me, just me, me me me here making everything and everyone operate smoothly, I guess I'll carry on suppressing that fun side of me, and just keep dreaming about it when I sleep. That's where it's safe to let go, in my dreams.

Jules :O/



Sunday, March 19, 2017

Cyclic Reality

Two weeks or more of nipple sensitivity to the point that it feels like the streams of water from the shower are literally slicing through them like a hot knife through butter.

Two weeks of bloating which seems to gain momentum the closer you get to the miraculous event.

Breasts that are so sore that even receiving a hug makes you want to punch the person in the face.

1 to 3 new pimples per day half way through and for the week leading up, diminishing whatever self esteem you might have left after the extreme bloating.

An increasing sense that everyone around you is either seriously stupid or out to trigger you on a constant basis.

The desire to eat everything in your pantry.

The need to sleep all hours of the day and night.

THIS is what it feels like to be a woman who is of menstruation age. And I'm NOT kidding. I'm not even exaggerating here. And you reach the point of literally BEGGING the Universe to give you your period so that the symptoms can subside. A trade off of the messy shedding of the uterus, so that you don't have to suffer with all that other shiz anymore... just so you can hang onto the one shred of dignity and sanity you have left.

And we're supposed to feel *blessed* for this cycle as it allows us the ability to make children. I mean, I'm all for reproduction, but you know... ok, let's do the math. If the average girl starts her cycle at 13 years of age, and she gets a period every single month of her life until she's roughly 50 years old... That's 37 years x 12 periods a year = 444 periods. FOUR HUNDRED AND FORTY FOUR PERIODS! If the point of the period is for reproduction, then all I have to say is WHAT THE EFF! NO person on the planet is going to have 444 kids. NO girl the age of 13 is going to have or be allowed to have kids.

So I just feel the need to ask: WHY were we created to endure such an abundance of pain and utterly undeniably life affecting processes for 37 - 40 years of life when the average woman only has between 1 - 3 children?? There were some serious math miscalculations that went on when the human body was created.

And men... men never have to deal with this. Maybe instead of reaching orgasm each time they ejaculate, it should be like an unknown as to whether they will orgasm or have extreme pain.. like the Russian Roulette of ejaculation.. just so that some of the time they can also experience reproductive discomfort for no reason at all. I'm all for equality.

Period Prayer: Lord help me make it through the next few days, help me to keep my sanity and not crawl under a rock and hide from humanity because they are all making me insane. Please help me to keep my temper and not yell at the next person who says something stupid, which is nearly everyone. Please give me tolerance and perseverance to survive yet another damned period, for no reason because I'm not interested in having any more children. Lord give me the strength to survive the assaults from my bras, shower streams, and huggy people. Reinforce the knowledge that this too shall pass, but only for 1 week before it all starts again.

Jules :Owtf/

Saturday, March 18, 2017

the downfalls of social media

Social media has poisoned my desire to blog. Well, my desire to even go online anymore unless it's to watch mindless videos of people's pets doing silly things. I have to attend to my own social media, my son's school accounts for google classroom-email-google, the website-blog-FB-TW accounts for theismproject.org, the FB-TW-G+ and Email accounts for Kids In Harmony Store, the FB-TW-INSTA-YouTube-PIN-Etsy-Email accounts for Fidgi Spinz. 

Basically, I've become a social media manager for a plethora of people, plus myself. It's not that I get paid a social media manager salary, either. It's just become part of daily life and an expectation of my work. I should look up social media manager and see what they get paid. Or maybe not, it would probly upset me. The crap thing is that all of my experience managing all of this schizz means nothing if I wanted to go be a *professional* at it, because I don't have a degree in social media management. LMFAO. What the eff even is that. Do you REALLY need a diploma or degree to manage social media. *laughable* But in today's society, if you're not all about social media for marketing, you have nothing.. you are nobody. You can't expect to achieve in business if you don't have a strong online presence. 

So blogging has really taken a back seat, but I do think about it and I do miss it. It's just that HAVING to be on the computer all of the time for all of those other things has really left a bad taste in my mouth for spending my *spare* time online as well. It used to be such a pleasure to be in here, back in the day when blogging was the first form of social media. The pre-facebook world was better, in my opinion. It was more personalized and authentic when it was all blogging. Now, social media seems more like a place to put up a front, set forward a false image of this ideal world that doesn't depict the whole picture. And sometimes you learn stuff about your so called "friends" who are no more than acquaintances from the past, that you'd rather not have known. 

Well, I'll try and be more present in here. My little blog, where I can still say whatever the heck I want, use whatever language appeals to me at the time, where I don't need to censor myself and no topic is off limits. I'm not resolving to be in here more, I'll just try. I'll try to revive the passion I had for it once, because it used to be a highly important part of who I was. 

Jules :Osocialmediablues/